WARNING: This newsletter is about domestic violence.
I’m a lawyer.
I don’t always advertise that fact because people either tell me a lawyer joke or ask me to write their will. I’ve heard every lawyer joke and I don’t know how to write a will.
During law school I did an externship at a legal aid clinic for survivors of domestic violence.
The whole experience changed me, but one particular moment I think about regularly, even 25 years later.
It was the first time I was alone in a room with a perpetrator.
I represented his ex-girlfriend. He didn’t have an attorney.
We were trying to negotiate the terms of an order of protection to avoid a trial. The biggest sticking point was whether he would agree to his visitations with their child being supervised.
I expected him to try to bully or intimidate me.
This was a man who had beaten his girlfriend badly. I had read the police reports. I had seen the photographs. And he was nearly ten years older than me.
He didn’t.
First, he nervously tried to win me to his side.
Him: “I mean, you know how it is bro. Sometimes you gotta get her back in line.”
Me: “I don’t know. Will you agree to supervised visitations or do we need to go to trial?”
When that didn’t work, he absolutely crumbled.
This man who had savagely beaten a woman half his size couldn’t make eye contact with a law student.
At first, I thought it might be my gender. Over the course of my externship, though, I saw perpetrator after perpetrator crumble in front of younger female attorneys too.
What’s my point?
Two things.
First, watch for recruitment.
The crumbling isn’t what stuck with me. It’s what came before.
“You know how it is bro. Sometimes you gotta get her back in line.”
Before he fell apart, he tried to recruit me. He needed me to nod, to chuckle, to co-sign what he had done.
This isn’t always so obvious and isn’t limited to domestic violence – the employee who pulls you aside to trash a coworker, or the board member who makes a side comment to see if you’ll laugh.
Before someone defends their bad behavior, they often try to make it our bad behavior.
You don’t have to argue. You don’t have to lecture. You just have to not nod.
Redirect. Stay on task. Don’t get recruited.
Second, bullies need a power imbalance to function.
When the recruitment didn’t work, he crumbled. And so did every other perpetrator I saw – in front of attorneys of every age and gender.
They weren’t afraid of the person across the table. They were afraid of the system behind that person.
The rule of law at the national level.
Policies and accountability at the organizational level.
You don’t need a staff member who’s “tough enough” to handle a difficult person.
You need a system strong enough to make toughness irrelevant.
My next live training
Next week’s live training is an interview with Dr. Carolyn West, a professor of psychology and sexuality at the University of Washington.
Dr. West is absolutely fascinating. She made a documentary about racism in pornography, was interviewed by Jada Pinkett Smith on the Red Table Talk podcast, and has been featured on multiple documentaries about famous domestic violence perpetrators.
It is a members-only event. If your organization is not a member, you can find resources from Dr. West’s website at DrCarolynWest.com. (If clicking on the link doesn’t work, copy and paste it in your browser)
Have a great week!
Peace,
Ryan