WARNING: THIS NEWSLETTER IS ABOUT DOMESTIC ABUSE
It was late enough that most of the residents had gone to bed and the shelter was finally quiet.
“Janet” sat silently at a chair nursing a Styrofoam cup of room temperature water.
I sat down across the table from her and asked if she was having trouble sleeping.
Janet didn’t respond. She had a blank stare on her face.
Eventually—with her gaze still fixed on nothing—Janet said, “Man, I loved Jack. And Jack really loved me. Everyone could see we were in love.” She paused for a sip of water. “I know it is cliché, but he was the ‘love of my life.’”
I really wanted to ask what happened to Jack. I had been through enough late-night-shelter-talks to know better.
Janet continued, “The first time I tried to leave him, he put me in the hospital. The second time was worse.”
One of the other residents asked us to lift our feet up so he could sweep up the floor under the table.
When the man was gone, Janet said, “I don’t really know what happened. I woke up on the floor with dried blood matting down my hair. I asked Jack what had happened and he said I tripped and hit my head on a coffee table.”
Janet stood up, finished her water, said “Thanks for listening” in my direction and walked off to bed.
“Why don’t you just leave?”
On average, a survivor of domestic abuse leaves seven times before staying away for good.
A lot of people struggle to understand that.
There are a lot of reasons to stay, including:
- Lack of money/housing
- Cultural or religious pressure
- Children
- Emotional ties to the abuser
- Fear
That last one is important. Survivors are in the most danger when they try to leave.
What do you do when someone trusts you with their story?
On Thursday, I’m doing an interview and live Q&A with Dr. Carolyn West, an expert in domestic abuse.
She shared these for when someone tells you they’ve been abused:
What NOT to say:
- “Why don’t you leave?”
- “Why did you wait so long to leave?”
- “What did you do to provoke the abuse?”
- “Is it abuse if he didn’t hit you?”
What TO say:
- “I believe you.”
- “I’m sorry this happened to you.”
- “I appreciate you trusting me.”
- “You are not alone.”
- “I care about you and am here to listen or help in any way I can.”
- “You didn’t deserve what happened to you. There is no excuse for it.”
If someone trusts you enough to share, resist the urge to jump immediately into action. Listen first. Support first. Let them lead.
Take care of each other (and yourself) this week.
Peace,
Ryan