It is hard to de-escalate standing next to your coworkers.

I was 21 years old when I started working in a homeless shelter.

I was not trained. 

Instead, I was told to “Follow the lead of the more experienced staff.”

So that’s what I did.

The first few times I provided backup for a coworker in conflict, I did it completely wrong.  (That’s what people do when they’re not trained).

I stood shoulder-to-shoulder with my colleague in solidarity, and I reinforced verbally what she was saying.

It didn’t work.

In fact, it made the situation worse.

The resident got angrier and the conflict only escalated.

I had absolutely no idea why !

How NOT to provide backup to a coworker in conflict

Most people do what I did:  stand shoulder-to-shoulder with their colleague and join the conversation.

This doesn’t work for four reasons:

1. It makes the other person feel like they are being ganged up on (because they are!).  Two on one is not “fighting fair.”  If staff is not fighting fair, it gives the individual permission to not fight fair either.
2. Three people arguing are louder, more chaotic and more likely to escalate than two.
3. Oftentimes the staff members have different styles and goals that conflict.  You might be trying to de-escalate and your coworker is planning on having someone arrested. 
4. The staff member who is bad at de-escalation will outshout the staff member who is good at de-escalation.

There is a way to provide backup to a coworker that doesn’t make the situation worse.  In next week’s email I’ll explain how.

By the way, our next members-only live training is on how to provide backup.  

Here is a 1-minute sneak peak video:  https://vimeo.com/1214368410/e464c3262d

Have a fantastic week!

Peace,

Ryan