Question
I work in a homeless shelter. My supervisor taught me to use “I” statements and to “name the person’s emotion” as de-escalation techniques. It doesn’t seem to be working. Please don’t use my name. – ANONYMOUS
Answer
There is nothing wrong with “I” statements and “naming the person’s emotion.”
The problem is that any de-escalation attempt built upon scripts or using the “right” words will not work.
Conflict is primarily around nonverbal communication.
If you are focusing on “what” you say, rather than “how” you say it, you are doing de-escalation wrong.
The science behind this is fascinating. Here is an oversimplified explanation:
Our brain maintains a constant sense of whether we are in danger or safe called “neuroception.”
I don’t know Stan Lee, but I suspect he meant neuroception when he coined the phrase “Spidey Sense.” Spidey sense is the tingling feeling Spiderman gets when there is imminent danger. You have probably experienced a sense of “something is wrong” before, without being able to point to anything specific. That is your neuroception sensing danger.
Neuroception is unconscious and automatic, happening in milliseconds.
Because neuroception changes in a fraction of a second, it relies primarily on visual and auditory cues of aggression or peace, rather than words (which are slow).
Conflict prevention and de-escalation are about managing the other person’s neuroception.
When you memorize scripts—but don’t monitor your nonverbal communication—you are sending two different signals to a person’s neuroception.
Your words might spend a full minute saying “I mean no harm.”
But your body language said “I’m a threat” — and it did that in a fraction of a second.
To put this bluntly, it almost doesn’t matter what you say. It is all about how you say it.
First, master the nonverbal tools of de-escalation.
Then add verbal techniques as the next layer.
Peace,
Ryan